My mother was finally buried today.
This past week I feel as though I’ve been in a haze since my mom passed a week ago. I thought I would be able to get a practical handle on things, because truthfully, I started mourning my mother when I heard about her Stage 4 stomach cancer diagnosis this past September. Granted, it has been years ago, but I use to work for a group of general surgeons and oncologists typing up chart notes and Stage 4 cancer always ends the same no matter what you do. There is almost never a “miracle”. After hearing her diagnosis, my main goal was to see her as much as possible, as she was in Los Angeles and I live in Austin, TX. and I’m so happy that I got to do that. When I wasn’t with her, I kept in touch often by phone, but towards the end, our conversations ended after 5 minutes instead of 2 hours, which was the norm for us.
My mother’s memorial service was last Wednesday, and even though I couldn’t be there, my daughter, Chloe, called me and kept her phone on, so that I could hear it. My mother didn’t want a memorial service. She never wanted anyone to make a fuss over her, but I’m glad there was one. It warmed my heart to hear others memories of my mom.
The images of the burial are painful to see. The week since she died, I have found myself just trying to stay busy. Anything to keep from thinking about my mom not being here anymore. I so much want to just call my mom the phone and crack up with her, but that’s not to be. It’s hard for me to think about…I’m not ready to face it yet. So, right now with the help of Xanax, I will follow Scarlett O’Hara’s mantra…”I’ll think about it tomorrow. After all, tomorrow is another day.”.